I’d like to start this article with a warning. The information contained here has the potential to make you feel a little uncomfortable as it may challenge the current status quo of personal strategies for maintaining security and safety. It’s not being offered up as a goal you have to get to, there’s no point in activating feelings of self judgement, inadequacy or personal pressure. The information is simply offered as an understanding of the ‘feeling’ state that creates and is generated by, a relationship between individuals that understand themselves, take full responsibility for their inner needs and understand how to use their emotion power.
“What makes you frustrated or angry about me. What thing really annoys you?”
If there’s nothing about you, or what you do that my wellbeing is tied to, there’s nothing you can do that will make me angry or frustrated. My wellbeing does not need you to be anything other than who and what you are right now. You’re completely free and I’m completely free. Of course, as life flows and things change, I may make choices. Choices not to be around you, choices to spend time elsewhere – because I am responsible for my wellbeing, so I will ensure I stay emotionally safe and physically content. If there’s something that makes me angry about you, that’s my problem not yours – I’m going to do what I need to do to free myself from that dynamic.
I noticed that when I take full responsibility for my emotional world, when I know my emotion power and use it, I confidently express myself as all that I am. I trust the flow of life – which means I am open to what turns up when it turns up, as an opportunity. The more I know myself, the more I trust until I find I am living the process of life, without a need for an outcome. I am in the flow of life, knowing that each moment is necessary for the next moment and that often I can’t see 5 steps ahead because they’re not there yet.
The way I get to that place is step by step, the flow of life gives me exactly what I need when I need it. I am living a process, not an outcome. That’s why when we manifest it’s about intention, let go and be. In order for me to get to the experience I think would be cool, I stay here in this moment and do each next thing that arises for me to do (based on my feelings of fulfilment). As I stay in the process of life, I meet the next thing as it arises, but that next thing can’t come through for me until I’ve done the thing in front of it.
So to, with relationships. And this is where you may feel squirmy (sorry!).
When I start from the future, attached to an outcome, my now moment is impacted. It’s no longer free. I have to be something, do something, make something happen to get to that outcome.
If I start with now, being honest and true to me, in loving kindness, and stay in the process, I get a more fulfilling outcome than I could ever imagine.
What does this mean for a relationship?
Rather than seeing a relationship as my safety ad security. I am my safety and security. Rather than seeing my relationship as forever, as something I commit to, I see it is what it is right here and now. An opportunity of deepening connection, expanding growth and intimacy with another human being in this moment – for that purpose only.
When I approach a relationship as my opportunity now, as opposed to my ‘lifetime situation that fills my love and safety needs’ I am free. You are free. Both partners are not required to filter responses in order to keep the relationship going. There’s no need to work at a relationship – if it’s not working that’s a good sign it’s not working! Why would you stay there? You don’t need to. You meet your own emotional needs, so you care for your wellbeing and determine the most optimal place to spend your heartbeats. Because I haven’t enmeshed myself in a future outcome (ie a forever relationship) I’m free to question, to assess and to decide in any moment what feels good and if it doesn’t, I can take responsibility and change my situation.
When I want (and attach to) an outcome, a forever relationship, I hand over my power. I remove my ability to be completely honest and authentically me. I’m no longer free to pursue growth, deeper fulfilment and connection in other relationships if it ceases to exist in the current relationship. I’m not suggesting relationships get tossed aside for selfish satisfaction.
When I’m true to myself, when I know myself and am 100 % responsible for my inner needs, I find myself trusting life. I find myself allowing whatever to turn up to turn up and don’t project, need or try to control. I watch and take part in the experience of life as it unfolds in front of me – and I enjoy it. I connect deeply with the person with me because I am emotionally safe and can be freely intimate. I share my feelings and thoughts clearly – I am who I am without any holding back. Which is what creates connection and intimacy (even if it may come with some conflict), as the process unfolds, it results in expanding fulfilment, and my life is more joyful as a result. That next more loving and connected space could not happen without the first. I’m living my relationship in the process, not for the outcome I think (or expect) it will give me.
I guess you can see how this would create a challenge. For most people, a relationship is their strategy for getting inner needs met. Inner needs are inner needs – so they cant really be met by an external party (sad on one hand – it would be so much easier it they could be, wonderful on the other – I can change my circumstances immediately!). When I was in this form of relationship, I was always having to work at the relationship, I never felt fulfilled – like there was something missing I just couldn’t put my finger on. And I was often so upset when my emotional needs weren’t met: when he didn’t love me how I wanted to be loved, when he wasn’t there for me emotionally, when he didn’t make me feel better and I thought he should, because it was his responsibility, when he was always drinking. Ahh the good ol days. I don’t miss them at all.
I walked away from myself, who I really was, to be in a place where I thought I was secure and safe. I kept walking away from myself, filtering my responses and my actions, ignoring (suppressing) my feelings, to people please and keep the peace. Dulling my experience of life, over time, because I couldn’t be fully engaged in life if I wasn’t fully emotionally operational. Life is an experience – an experience is a feeling engagement. When I’m shut down emotionally my engagement with my life is less than optimal.
A conscious relationship is an emotionally responsible relationship, where both people honour their self (and their inner growth) as the highest priority – not in a selfish way. But in a way where I am self-loving, self-caring, self-supporting. I live life with an attitude of self-responsibility, self-authority and look for greater self-understating. When I do this, I can do this for others.
The more I love my self and honour myself. The more I can love and honour my partner. The more I value my truth, the real me, unapologetically, the more I can hold that space for my partner to be fully who they are in this moment. The more empowered I feel, the more my relationship becomes the vehicle within which I can take back more of my inner power. Not at the expense of the other, but to the benefit of the other. We are not enmeshed. We are free.
Whether the relationship becomes a forever thing or not, doesn’t matter. What’s ironic though, is it’s this type of relationship that will, if it’s meant to, be the best experience of a forever thing possible.
Lisa has created Emotion Protocol, to facilitate the effective relaying of emotional information so individuals can access the power of their personal truth in any given moment – and build personal responsibility for inner wellbeing to create awesome relationships. She teaches the protocols to individuals, groups, audiences and wellness practitioners. You can invite her to speak by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org